Hello God? I think we have a bad connection...

Leaving the Mormon Church was like unspooling my faith. When I first joined, I wrapped more religious thread around the roll. It was easy once you made the decision. You were given a specific length and knew just about exactly how far it went. You no longer shopped on Sunday's, you stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine and wore clothes that covered specific parts of your body. Sure, it may have seemed a little unconventional and inconvenient, but over time it became second nature and you always knew where it ended.
When I made the decision that the church wasn't for me, I started to unwind all the extra string. But now that I have started to take away, I'm not sure where to stop. At first, I was sure that I believed in God, then... do I really? Can science explain it all, or is there a deity out there? It is possible that there is a specific God, and the rest of mankind is SOL? or is it more nuanced in that there is a God that just got things going? Maybe there are multiple deities. I have never questioned these things on such a basic level before, and it is almost like a rolling downhill. You start out slow and eventually you speed out of control. The question here is, how do I know when I've gone out of control and, have I already reached or possibly surpassed that point?
I know it may not be the smartest thing to do, but I try not to think about it too much. Despite that, It is always running in the back of my mind. I'll find a resting place for my beliefs someday, but until then it's going to be one hell of a ride.

Calling All Angels

While eating dinner at some point last week, my son asked why we prayed over the food. I hadn't given it much though and so didn't know what to say. I was surprised when Chad had an immediate answer, "We pray because we believe someone is listening." That was a good answer to a good question. If I had been forced to answer, I would have said something about tradition and expressing thanks in a more general way.

Do I believe that someone is listening?

Last night while struggling for sleep, I slipped into a habitual prayer. In my mind I said, "Dear Heavenly Father, please help me sleep... Dear God... Dear... Why am I praying?" I laid there and wondered about who was listening to me. In the end, I just returned to and repeated my original prayer and fell asleep. Eventually.

So, why do I pray? I know that many people believe that prayer is a lifeline to their deity, also, it has been proven to give hope and comfort to those who are in difficult situations. I pray out of habit. When I was an active member of the LDS church, I prayed quite often. I prayed in the morning, over each meal, in the evenings with my family and then again at night before I went to bed. The position of choice for prayer was on your knees, arms folded across your chest with head bowed. It felt good to supplicate yourself to someone who could make everything better, someone who cared how I felt and was always there when I needed help or just someone to talk to. Now that my beliefs have changed I am left with some enduring habits that have no outlet, one of which is prayer. I think that I still pray because, basically, I do believe that someone is listening. My thoughts on who that person/deity is have changed significantly. So much so that I'm not even positive that prayer does anything at all. But in the end, I do think that there is something out there greater than me, and it wouldn't hurt to turn my thoughts to that being when in need of some comfort.

What Happens Next?

When I was 17, my parents adopted a cat for me while I was in basic training. Her name was Tigger. She ate dog food, drank from the toilet and begged for food with the other dogs. She came with me when I got married, and moved all over the country with us. She fostered kittens and raised human children with an endearing mix of gentleness, grumpiness and sass. She was pretty overweight and as the years passed, she became less mobile. Happy to move only to follow the spots of sunshine in the house, she had regular perches from which she rarely moved.
I took for granted that she would be with me forever, but today, she left. Tigger had been sick for some time and had finished a few courses of medication to help the problem. Her breathing had become increasingly labored, and she could not climb the stairs any more. When we took her from her carrier today at the vet's office, she could no longer breathe, and struggled through her last minutes of life.
As I held her head, trying to help her get some breath, I felt the life go out of her. After the vet confirmed that she was gone, I sat there looking at her lifeless body and wondered where her life's energy/soul had gone. With all my new questions and shifting thoughts on faith and religion, I am in a strange place with my beliefs on what happens when something dies. Where is Tigger now? Heaven? Reincarnated into another living thing? Nowhere at all? I really don't know, nor do I have much of an idea. The strange thing is that even though I have fewer beliefs, I am more at peace with the concept of death and I suppose that, in fact, I don't have all the answers.
I'll miss Tigger, she was an integral part of our family from the beginning and she has left an un-fillable hole. Even though I'm not sure where her energy/soul/spirit is right now, I feel that she is in a better place.

Consequences Delayed

Hello my faithful following of one. I am updating after an extended hiatus that I cannot guarantee will not happen again. I have decided to follow my internal inclinations and leave the LDS church. It has been an exciting few months as I rediscover a part of life that I kept myself from for over eight years. I love iced tea, I own a coffee maker, I enjoy the occasional cocktail and I prefer fruity wines the best. I have attended parties where there are no children, nor talk of them. Fortunately, I have been joined in this (at least in some respect) with the love, support and participation of my husband.
My kids still ask about church occasionally, and my son has taken to reading the book of mormon on occasion. We don't dissuade discussion, and we know that it is a difficult change, especially for children.
I have told my family about my change in religious feeling, mostly with support (but of course nothing but judgement and questions from my mother). We have not told my husband's family yet, and I'm not sure when we will. Let's just say that conversations have become a bit tricky, and I never realized how much of our conversations revolved around "The Church".
I'm feeling happy and liberated and free to form my own thoughts based on my view of the world and my understanding of how it works.
I think things will continue getting better, especially when I allow them to.